


either it's you. or it's me.

by Jackaboi



Category: Deltarune (Video Game)
Genre: (s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cutting, Don't Read This, F/F, Kris-centric, Not Beta Read, Not Happy, Not Self-Insert, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, trash, vague dissociation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21608737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackaboi/pseuds/Jackaboi
Summary: i’m going insane. i’m turning inside out.i want to be in control. please. stop taking my hands. my feet. my legs, and arms and body and i can feel my organs seize because you’re not supposed to be here.they get used to it.i get used to it.i’m a puppet. less than that.i don’t deserve my body. i don’t get to make choices. my choices don’t matter. only yours. your body, your choices.it really is your body. not mine. never mine. yours.
Relationships: Asriel Dreemurr & Kris (Deltarune), Kris & Susie (Deltarune), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Noelle Holiday & Susie, Noelle Holiday/Susie (Deltarune)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 37





	either it's you. or it's me.

**Author's Note:**

> written about six months since i played deltarune so things are slightly warped. this is based off how we, as the player, take control of kris. from kris' pov
> 
> tw: umm everything in the tags read the tags + non-existent self worth uwu fun. 
> 
> this has heavy themes be careful and safe!

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b l u r r y

b l u r r y .

blurry. 

my eyes are always blurry. glasses don’t help. i don’t want them anyway, they’d get in the way. plus, what would asriel think if he came home to a loser with  _ glasses _ . 

i hardly bother trying to keep my bangs out of my eyes anymore, i can’t see anyway.

mom threw a fit at first, but let it be after a bit. and then my bangs grew, and i didn’t want them cut. 

it didn’t matter. to me. mom dragged me the bathroom with a pair of kitchen scissors.

i let them grow out again.

mom gave up.

blurry. so blurry, sometimes, i can still see asriel, sitting on the edge of his bed, doing homework on a clipboard, at the lake, kneeling in front of the water, facing a non-existent reflection, talking to mom from the kitchen, while she’s on the phone with him. the real him. 

so, he can’t be in the kitchen. and he hated to lake. i like to go there, not him. and i broke that clipboard the day he left. the pieces are still under my bed.

i’m going insane. i’m turning inside out.

i want to be in control. please. stop taking my hands. my feet. my legs, and arms and body and i can feel my organs seize because  _ you’re not supposed to be here _ .

they get used to it.

i get used to it. 

i’m a puppet. less than that.

i don’t deserve my body. i don’t get to make choices. my choices don’t matter. only yours. your body, your choices.

it really is your body. not mine. never mine. yours. 

we never do anything fun anymore. no pranks. no bath bombs. no smiling at mk when we walk into class. 

we never do anything. no homework. no friends. no getting mad at mom and storming upstairs, slamming my door. no eating. no looking up from our hands. your hands.

you never do anything fun.

you never do anything. 

i don’t know what happened.

“kris! kris, if you do not wake up, we will be late to school!” you blearily open your eyes, just in time for sun light to come pouring into your room from the curtains toriel opened. you hear her begin to leave, then say, “i’ll be waiting outside for you, alright?”

the door shuts firmly behind her. 

you sit up and stare at the floor for a moment before jumping out of bed. you don’t bother with changing. instead, you go downstairs. get in the car.

toriel says something regarding the time you’ll get to school, and how she wishes you’d get up faster, you keep making us late. you hum noncommittally and press your forehead to the cold window. 

you’re a little late, but it’s ok. you walk to class. slowly. dragging your feet. you open the door, don’t try to stop it as it slams against the wall.

“k-k-kris! i- uh, didn’t think you’d be here. um. we’re working on group projects, um i passed out packets, s-so just. um. f-find a partner and read the instructions from that. y-yeah…” you ignore miss alphys and dump your stuff at your desk. 

with a glance, you can tell everyone already has a partner. well. temmie has a hard-boiled egg, but you wouldn’t intervene on such a perfect relationship.

noelle is nice. if you ask her, you can join her group. of course, what’s-his-name throws a fit, and noelle wants you to ask miss alphys and then he protests further because alphys will say yes and you’ll interrupt their thing. his thing. she is so oblivious she wouldn’t notice him if he stripped in front of her. plus being a raging homosexual, she wouldn’t even care.

thankfully, the door is slammed open again.

it’s susie. 

“oh! t-that’s perfect, kris, you and susie can be partners. now, um. i’ll need… chalk. wh-where did all the chalk go?”

silence. 

“if- if no one speaks up! everyone will get in trouble!” she smiles nervously, like that means anything to them.

“there’s chalk in the supply closet, miss alphys, why not have someone go get some?” noelle smiles sweetly.

“p-perfect! susie, why don’t you go do it?” susie turns on her heel and slams the door. again. “um. kris? wh-why don’t you go keep an eye on her?”

you sigh a little. it’s always you who has to do stuff like this.

you follow susie out into the hallway. from the door, which you closed behind you, you can see her profile. she pulls out a piece of chalk. crunches into it. gross? chalk tastes like wet cardboard. you know that from experience. 

She turns and sees you with a start. “oh! kris. didn’t see you there. you… didn’t… see anything there, did you?”

you don’t say anything. 

“the silent treatment, huh? great.” She steps towards you. “well, just to let you know…  _ i don’t like quiet people _ . just cuz’ they keep it in their head doesn’t mean they’re not thinking it.” she takes another step. “so, what are you thinking, huh? “that’s it! that’s the last straw! the principal has been waiting around for  _ months _ to expel susie! as soon as i go tell miss alphys, it’s over. we’ll be free of her at last!” that it?”

you don’t say anything. 

she reaches out and clamps her hand down on your shoulder. “you’re not going to say anything…” she lifts you into the air and slams you into the locker behind you. “ _ got it _ , loser?”

when you remain non-verbal, she leans bares sharp, yellowing teeth. “say something or i bite your face off.” she wouldn’t dare. “three…” it won’t happen. “two…” she’s lying. “one.” nothing happens.

you remain calm as she drops you to the ground. “i couldn’t do that ms. toriel. no matter how much you deserve it. i don’t think the poor thing could stand to lose a kid. even if it was  _ you _ . now. hurry up. we’re going to get some chalk, and then  _ you’re _ going to do our project. ok?”

she doesn’t even give you a chance. “don’t even bother. you should already know your choices don’t matter.”

i do. i know that.

together, you walk down the hallway, and then you fall through the floor of the closet, and wander through a fantasy and meet an adorable goat named ralsei who looks a lot like… and then you save the darkner kingdom, meeting lancer, and defeating his dad the king.

it’s all you. except.

the king is grinning in success and susie is mouthing him off and his face sharpens, and you know what’s going to happen, you know, i know you know, do something- do something!

you don’t move.

so, i do. it burns burns burns as i jump in front of susie, shield out. the attack scoots me back a bit, even with my heels digging into the ground. 

and then it’s you again, no- no! 

i want to be in control! 

i want to be friends with susie and ralsei!

i want to make choices!

i want my choices to matter again!

_ your choices never mattered. _

it’s you.

you fight the king and save lancer and say goodbye to everyone, and then ralsei and he shyly shows you his real face, not the one hidden in shadows, and then you leave.

you’re in the spare classroom, old toys scattered everywhere. 

you’re home.

“see you tomorrow?”

you smile at susie. “for sure.”

and then you go home and don’t eat and crawl under the covers. you fall asleep. i don’t.

i stand, and stumble to the bird cage in the corner. i pull out my soul. it’s wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong- 

it’s you-

the kitchen knife hidden under my mattress is in my hand. 

i stare at the soul. and shove it in the cage.

i wake up early the next morning. i pop out of bed and grab some clothes for the shower. i shower. it’s warm and nice, and i brush my hair and feel handsome when i put on clothes that aren’t a week old.

i step out and startle mom who, it seems, is coming to wake me up. 

“kris! you’re up! what a lovely surprise! come, i made breakfast.” she leads me into the kitchen, and i sit down at the table and suddenly. can’t.

she brings over french toast and eggs and sausage, but i can’t make myself reach for them.

i’m hungry, this isn’t fair! i’m hungry, i’m hungry, i’m hungry!

_ you’re hideous. _

i’m hideous.

“what’s wrong?”

“uh… sorry, mom, but uh. i already ate.”

“oh.” She cleared her throat as I stood up, “that’s fine. get your things and go get in the car, i will be there in a moment.”

I smile at her and go get my backpack. we drive to school, and this time we’re early. susie is waiting by the front door.

“hey kris.” there’s a grin in her voice.

“hey.” i smile. i’m smiling. what is this? am i…? happy? 

“we should do that again.”

my smile falls.

_ your choices don’t matter. _

my choices don’t matter.

i didn’t choose this. 

any of it. 

“maybe tomorrow.”

I walk past her, her face frozen in shock and rage. “wait, what?!”

“tomorrow.”

“no! kris, what the hell. what’s going on?”

“nothing.  _ nothing _ . nothing i chose. it’ll be fine. we can go tomorrow, or you can go without me today.”

“fine.”

i don’t reply. 

i’m the first one to class. miss alphys looks at me funny and gives me the instructions for me and susie’s project. i start working on it. i feel numb. like i’m being used again. people come in. i smile at mk but other than that i mindlessly fill up our poster with facts about the book we’d been reading. i make a thesis, back it up, back that up, and make it sound snazzy. i’m done.

it’s only 10:00. i stand up and take my things. “i’m going to the nurse.” miss alphys doesn’t stop me. i leave the school. where do i go? i don’t want to choose. i want it to go away. i want to curl up and let someone else drive. i go home. 

in the bathroom is a razor. i never shave anymore. i break the top off and pick one of the blades. i don’t want to be numb. i don’t want to make decisions. i don’t want to be used. i don’t want to sit in the back seat. i want to… i want to feel again. feel happy. in control. content. i pull up my sleeves. wouldn’t want to get them bloody, it was asriel’s old sweater. asriel. what would he think of me now? blood running down my arm, dripping to the floor. would he hate me? be disgusted? repulsed? disappointed. he would be disappointed. 

i cut deeper.

when my arms are bandaged, my sleeves pulled down, the mess mopped up. i leave. the lake. i like the lake. 

i sit on the bench. my knees curl up to my chest and my throat clogs. but i’m not crying. i can’t. i’m numb. broken. useless. worthless.  _ you’ve _ been the one making important decisions. saving the dark world. befriending susie…

susie is shaking my shoulders. i whimper and pull my wrists to my chest, so they won’t be jostled. she’s saying something. yelling it. screaming.

i am numb.

i…

i want you to come back.

i want you to deal with this. i want you to be kris. i want to die. fade into your consciousness and disappear. 

susie grabs one of my wrists. i am grounded to that moment, writhing in her hold, ‘til she moves it to my shoulders. “kris! what. is. going. on.”

“i’m not Kris.” i say. “i’m a fake.” i say. “i didn’t go get chalk with you. i didn’t save you. i didn’t become friends with you and ralsei and lancer. kris did. my decisions don’t matter. i do what they do. i don’t matter. i shouldn’t exist. i’m an anomaly. everyone said so.”

“who said so?”

“everyone.  _ everyone _ . mama. father. elise. jared. michael. mom. dad. asriel. you.”

“kris, i didn’t-”

“you were right. i don’t matter. they should be kris. my decisions don’t matter. they  _ are _ kris. i should have never resisted. they are so much better than me. they keep everything away so i can’t hurt anyone. they are so much better. i am nothing. i am nothing. nothing. nothing…”

“what are you talking about? who is they, why are they kris and not you?”   
  


“they are kris. and they’re better at it.”

“but you still matter-“

“no. i don’t.”

_ come back come back please please please come back i don’t want to- _

“if they’re kris, who are you?”

“nobody. nobody…”

“but you’re not! your decisions matter!”

_ please pleasepleaseplease- _

_ never thought you’d be begging for me to come back. _

_ please… _

“susie? i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to dump that on you.”

“no, what? no- no, that’s ok? you can. uh. talk to me?”

you make everything better. you can explain everything away. i don’t need to exist. i just ruin everything. i want to-

you’re gone.

no.

no.

no!

come back come back come back come back please please

why did you leave me?

i don’t want this. i don’t want to be brave. i don’t want to choose. i don’t want to matter. i’ve forgotten how to move my body. and it hurts. it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts- i want it to stop.

faint white scars line my wrists. new red cuts join them. again. again. again.

until my hands don’t shake and i don’t limp and tremble, just the effort of moving my body draining me.

susie is talking to me. i’d been gone two weeks! where did i go?

i didn’t go anywhere. i came back. i don’t want to be back. 

i’m shaking again, quivering like a leaf in the wind. 

“kris?”

don’t call me that don’t call me that don’t call me that stop stop stop stop it’s not me that’s not me i’m a fake i should die i want to die i want to go away i want to go away go away go away-

“i’m fine, susie.”

“you sure.”

“yep.”

“yep?”

“yep.”

i

want

to

scream

blurry.

blurry.

i’m so skinny. my ribs stick out and my stomach caves in because i can’t stand to eat. my cheekbones and jaw protrude, my skin stretched tight like canvas over them. my eyes are sunken into my face, deep purple bags showing off exactly how much sleep i get. bruises. my sallow skin is covered in bruises. it doesn’t have to be that hard, even, and over the next few days, pink then red then purple then brown with cycle over my skin, and most of the time i don’t even know where they came from. except susie, sometimes, and the kids at school, the ones who slam my locker shut on my hands, and trip me in the hallways, shove me in the cafeteria, beat me up behind school. they know. no one else does. except susie, sometimes. but i wear jackets, even in the summer, and skinny jeans that hang loose on me and boots that tie up to my knees. I wear jackets not because of the bruises, though that does ensure that no one sees them, it’s initially hiding the scars. the scabs. the red dripping lines. no one gets to see those. no one knows they exist.

i don’t want to exist.

susie and i don’t talk about the dark world. about how she went and looked and nothing was there. about what happened down there. ralsei. lancer. it’s like they don’t exist.

i want them to exist.

i want them to be real.

we don’t talk about that either.

sometimes, we don’t talk at all.

and sometimes susie rants about anything and everything, home to homework to noelle, who turns red when susie walks by and asked her to the school dance last year.

sometimes we’re not really talking, but susie’s rubbing my back and shushing me and helping me breathe. telling me it will be ok. i matter. and i’m apologizing again and again and again because i can’t do anything right and susie shouldn’t have to deal with this with me because surely that’s why she’s helping, she feels obligated, not because she cares. no one cares. no one. no one no one no one- 

sometimes i’m whispering to her. explaining everything in my head. 

sometimes she comes over to my house late at night, eyes red, though not crying, susie doesn’t cry, and i take her inside, and we make hot coco and i ask her what’s wrong and she shakes and tells me her dad was yelling again.

sometimes we sit in silence and let the world pass us by.

sometimes… she talks to noelle and i slip away.

sometimes they don’t notice i’m gone.

sometimes i never sit with them.

sometimes becomes most times.

most times becomes a statement.

i never sit with them. 

my grades drop. everything drops. no more friends. no more anything. asriel never talks to me. i miss him. i miss him so much. 

i drop. i kick a stool out from under me and the world whooshes for a second and then it stops. and i can’t breathe. i claw at the rope around my neck but nothing works. i let myself go limp.

dots cloud my vision. 

mom walks in.

the dots turn to black.

i wake up to white.

i want to die.

i wish it worked.

i wish you’d come back.

i don’t talk.

asriel visits. “kris…” he reaches out to touch me and i go catatonic, scrambling away with no control, panic clenching in my gut, i can’t breathe i can’t breathe i can’t breathe- 

hands touch me and i scream, writhing pulling away until nothing’s touching me but me, my hands tearing at my hair clawing at my face, my arms.

come back come back come back come back please please please come back  _ come back _

“kris.” 

i don’t care anymore. someone’s arms are around me and i’m in her lap, sobbing, shaking, she’s rubbing my back and whispering in my ear. “breathe. breathe. kris. breathe.” she counts with me until i can do it on my own and then she’s asking what happened?

“i can’t do it, i don’t want to do it, i don’t want anyone to touch me-“ her arms instantly drop, but i whimper and press closer and they come back, “you can touch me… but i’m so skinny, and gross and asriel will hate me if he knows he’ll be disappointed- he’ll hate me you’ll hate me… why don’t you hate me?”

i look up, shaking at the thought of seeing susie look back, eyes hard, despising. they’re not. they’re wide and scared and full of tears. scared. how can she be scared? she’s… susie. 

“kris… i could never hate you. you have saved me more times than i can count, and you’re braver than anyone i know. i thought- when your mom- she called me. she said you… and that you might not wake up… i thought i’d lost you. i thought… these last weeks, i haven’t seen you very much. i’ve been with noelle. i thought maybe if i’d tried harder… you’d never had…”

“you can’t stop me.”

“can’t?!” i stiffen. “that’s present tense. are you…?”

“i don’t know. i don’t…”

i curl up tighter. 

“i don’t want to be here anymore.”

my voice is hoarse, no more than a whisper. 

“kris…” 

i stiffen yet again. shakily i stand, dots popping in my vision, and i grab the bed to steady myself. “asriel.” i stare down at my hands as susie rises behind me, her hand dropping onto my shoulder.

“kris, i don’t hate you. i’m not disappointed. i just wish… it’s tough. what you’re going through is tough. and you’re going to be so strong when you get through it. i just wish you didn’t have to. it sucks. it hurts.” the bed shifts and i glance up long enough to see he’s sat down, rubbing his forearm, staring at me. “i know, kris, i know. i wish i didn’t- i wish you didn’t. do you know how hard it was to hide all my shit from you?”

“what?”

“you were nine. and i was crying so hard. i had a bottle of pills, and you-“ he laughs. “ _ brat _ \- you picked the lock to the bathroom door because you could hear me crying. you had no idea what was going on. then- you were eleven. and- and blood was always staining my fur, and i told you it was an art project at school, and you called me out for bullshit, and we laughed but it didn’t come up again. and then you were twelve and i begged mom not to tell you that i- i slit my wrists. and now… you’re… you… i didn’t want what i failed… i didn’t want you to succeed. i’m glad it didn’t. i’m glad you’re still alive.”

i don’t move. i can’t. i can’t.  _ i can’t. _

_ no. _

no!

no no no no no no no  _ no no no no nonononononotagainnopleasenopleasenopleasenonotagain- _

it’s you.

no.

i thought you were gone-

i thought i got rid of you-

i can feel my body seize as you try to grab it and i grab back. no! stop! 

everything is tilting sideways.

going blurry.

blurry.

b l u r r y 

b l u r r y

  
  


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black.

it’s you.

it’s always been you.

it’s you.

**Author's Note:**

> hah sorry not sorry, except i feel bad for taking all my shit and dumping it on kris... soo....
> 
> write a comment if you want me to write this more in depth like with chapters and stuff  
> write a comment telling me what you think  
> write a comment if you hate me  
> write a comment if i suck  
> i like comments they give me life


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